잡담2009/12/21 14:44

잡담.


1. <에반게리온 파>를 두 번 봤다. 신지가 레이에게 손을 내미는 장면에서 계속 눈물을 글썽일 수 밖에 없었는데, 정확히 제작이 어떤 식으로 진행되었을지는 모르겠지만 적어도 '자신이' 구원하지 못했던 레이 - 나 뿐 아니라 많은 감상자들이 신지와 자신을 동일시했을테고, 또 그런 관점에서 레이가 구원받기를 원하는 SS들도 쏟아져나왔다 - 를 이번에야 말로 구하고자 하는 제작진의 일념이 느껴져서 좋았다. 소년기에 에반게리온을 본 이들이라면 누구나 마음 한켠에 이 세계관의 인물들에 대한 마음의 부채가 남아있을 것이다. 신극장판은 그 부채를 해소할 수 있는, 묵은 아쉬움을 털어내는 계기가 된 것 같다.


2. 여러모로 유익한 이야기를 많이 들었다. 기본적으로, 해야만 할 일에 대해서 생각하는 것도 중요하지만 당장 할 수 있는 일들에 어떻게 손을 뻗치는가에 대해서 고민하게 된 계기가 된 것 같다. 오랜만에 고교 동창을 만났는데, 자신이 하고 싶었던 일들을 어떻게든 하고 있는 모습을 보니 스스로 부끄러움을 많이 느끼게 되었다. 나는 할 수 있었던 일들을 이제까지 제대로 해 왔는가, 에 대한 반성.


3. 투쟁을 하기 이전에, 싸워 이길 수 있을 능력을 갖추고 준비를 마치고 전의를 가다듬는 일에 대해서 다시 생각한다. 이승환이 이런 노래를 부른 적이 있다. "부조리한 현실과 불확실한 미래에 내 안에 숨지 않게 나에게 속지 않게, 그런 나이어 왔는지 나에게 물어본다." 나 역시 그 것에 대하여, 과거의 나에게 지금의 나에게 또 미래에 나에게 계속 물어본다.


4.  플레브스의 '술자리 하나'라는 글은 http://plebs.tistory.com/15 나에게도 많은 고민을 던져주는 글이다. 김민하의 <레닌을 사랑한 오타쿠>라는 책을 인상 깊게 읽었는데, 돌이켜 보면 그가 '의식화'되던 과정과 내가 그리 되던 과정이 그리 다르지는 않았던 것 같다. 차이가 있다면 그는 인터넷을 통해서 본격적으로 나름의 '참여'를 시작했다는 것이고, 나는 그 때 대학이 뭔가 가르쳐 주지 않을까, 하는 기대로 술을 먹었던 것에서 길이 달라졌던 것 같음.

 이렇게 말할 때 나는 또 한가지를 짚고 넘어가지 않을 수 없는데, 신입생 때의 나는 분명 '학문으로 대성해야지!'라는 것에 대해 상당한 기대를 품고 있었다는 것이다. 그 것은 부모님의 기대와 재수를 했다는 자괴감에서 나온 것이기도 한데, 재수까지 해놓고 밥벌이 안되는 사학과를 갔다는 것에 대한 부모님의 안타까움에 대해 나는 "나는 본래 역사학을 좋아했다! 그리고 나는 역사학을 가지고도 (남들 이상으로) 성공할 수 있을 것이다!"라고 맞섰던 것이다. 신입생 때 나는 상당히 모순적인 생각을 가지고 있었는데, (결국 경쟁적 학벌 구도에서 성공해야한다는) 재수생의 마인드와 (세상을 바꾸는 이론을 만들고 싶다는) 얼치기 인문학도의 빈약한 이상이 대학에서 배울 것들에 대한 과도한 기대로 이어졌던 것 같다.

 그러나 내가 게을렀건, 아니면 환경이 그렇게 되지 못했든 결국 대학에서 나는 나에게 무언가 '가르쳐줄' 누군가를 제대로 만나지 못했고, 거기서 '고아 의식'이랄 것이 생겼던 것 같다. '구습을 버리지 못한 운동권', '상아탑에서 안주하는 교수사회' '이리저리 떠밀려 다니며 자기 생각을 갖지 못한 대학생들' 등의 시선으로 학교라는 곳을 전형화시켜버리고 나 자신도 망가졌던 것이다. 다행히 좋은 벗들의 도움으로 책 읽기라는 행위만은 놓아버리지 않고 군대에서도 이어갈 수 있었지만, 이제 군대라는 도피(?) 공간을 떠나게 될 나는 앞으로 어디에서 무엇을 해야할 것인가에 대해 선택하지 않을 수 없다. 공부를 하지 않으며 공부에 대해 말할 수 없다. 운동을 하지 않으며 운동에 대해 말할 수 없다. 스스로 돈을 벌지 않으며 자본에 대해 말할 수 없다. 스스로 민중이라고 생각하지 않으면 민중에 대해 말할 수 없다. 스스로에 대한 반성적인 인식을 게을리 하면서 다른 이들을 비판할 수 없다. 무엇에 대해 쉽게 실망하고 쉽게 기대를 지우고 쉽게 이야기하기 전에, 스스로 무엇을 원하고 무엇을 할 것인지 고민하고 선택해야한다. 어렵지 않은, 쉬운 말이지만 막상 그렇게 쉽지 않은 문제이기도 하다..
2009/12/21 14:44 2009/12/21 14:44
Posted by 프리스티
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Leave your greetings.

  1. NeoPool

    다시 만나뵙게 되어 정말 반가웠습니다^^ 하지만 술자리 모임에 불필요한(부디 오해의 소지가 없기를 바랍니다. 좋은 분들을 만나 알게되어 참 좋았습니다만,아무래도 '공동생활전선'의 논의와 친숙하지 않은, 그리고 '책마을'의 내부 사정을 알지 못하는 사람들이 끼게되면 논의가 이루어지지 못하는 단점이 있습니다) 인원이 너무 많았다는 점과 공식적인 논의가 이루어지지 못했다는 점에서 조금 아쉬움이 남네요. 뭐, 첫 만남이었던 만큼 그렇게 조바심을 낼 필요가 없다는 생각이 들면서도 다음에 또 이런 자리가 만들어질 때에는 좀 다른 방식의 만남이 되면 더 발전적이고 생산적일 것 같다는 생각이 들었습니다. 어쩌면 이것은 '책마을'에 속해있지 못한 민간인에게만 해당하는 것일런지도, 사후적으로 '책마을' 내에서 이번 술자리에서 나왔던 이야기들에 대한 성찰과 평가가 이루어질지도 모르겠네요. 아무튼 몸 건강하시고 궁에서 나올 때 까지 부디 조심하시기 바랍니다.

    2009/12/21 15:59 [ Permalink : Modify/Delete : Reply ]
  2. 홍석기

    저도 에바파를 두번 봤어요....그리고 그 과정에서 서를 다시 구해보고, 7년만에 TV판을 다시 보면서 글 뒷부분의 예찬님의 고민과 비슷한 생각을 하게 되네요. 스스로 무엇을 원하고 무엇을 할 것인지 고민하고 선택해야 할 시기라....(TV 판에서 나왔던 네가 무엇을 지키고 싶고 무엇을 할 수 있는지, 스스로의 머리로 생각해라...같은 카지의 대사가 생각나네요) '파' 에서 조금씩 성장한 아이들을 보면서, 이제는 아이에서 어른이 되어가는/되어가야만하는 때라는 생각이 계속 드네요.

    결국 부채 해소는 커녕 고민만 쌓여가는 저는 뭘까요. 힝. 역시 기본 4번은 봐줘야 하는 걸까요. ㅎㅎ (팬들의 중복 관람으로 6만명 넘긴 에바의 위엄)

    2009/12/22 11:01 [ Permalink : Modify/Delete : Reply ]
  3. 비밀방문자

    관리자만 볼 수 있는 댓글입니다.

    2009/12/31 16:56 [ Permalink : Modify/Delete : Reply ]
  4. 무연

    한 번 밖에 뵙지를 못했는데 벌써 올해의 마지막 날이네요. 부디 평안한 새해를 맞이하기를 바라구요, 내년에는 종종 뵐 수 있는 기회가 있기를 바라겠습니다(*^-^*)/

    2009/12/31 16:56 [ Permalink : Modify/Delete : Reply ]
    • 프리스티

      내년에는 아마 종종 뵐 수 있을 것 같습니다. 흐흐. 새해복 많이 받으세요~!

      2009/12/31 18:08 [ Permalink : Modify/Delete ]
  5. 비밀방문자

    관리자만 볼 수 있는 댓글입니다.

    2009/12/31 16:56 [ Permalink : Modify/Delete : Reply ]
  6. 비밀방문자

    관리자만 볼 수 있는 댓글입니다.

    2009/12/31 16:57 [ Permalink : Modify/Delete : Reply ]